just now

There is no high higher than a smile that is genuine.

Once upon a time…

I waited anxiously; phone in hand, twenty dollars in the slot machine, glass of wine at my side. I had made the call twenty minutes ago and twenty-two minutes had passed. Why was it taking so long? Then finally a beep, “Hello,” I chocked.

“Here.” Was all she said, all she needed to say to get me to my feet.

The smile on my face wasn’t visible as I made my way outside. There was no smile, nothing real anyway, nothing I wished the world to see.

I made my way to the back door, spotted the black sedan and walked stiffly to the passenger side. Before handing over the money required to make the exchange, I searched for the lost soul that hid somewhere inside the girl who was making a living selling cocaine; I could not see it. I did see:

Her eyes: they looked dead, void of feeling, and excitement.

Her smile: It was empty, gone, hidden behind her reason for having chosen the path she was travelling.

Her nose: It was caked with white powder. It disgusted me. Would it stop me?

“What am I doing?” I asked myself.

But, I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel. I guess I needed one more line. One more round in the ring with the temporary high I had decided made living easier. We made the exchange and I walked quickly back inside, stopping in the bathroom before finding my wine and my slot machine. Somewhere there was a winner, could it be me tonight?

Yes, somewhere inside of me there was a winner. Yet I was losing. I had been hiding for so long and suddenly I didn’t want to hide anymore. The demons that dared me to sit behind the wall I had built around myself would not control any longer, I decided.

I left.

I found a piece of paper.

I bought a pen.

I made a list of all the reasons I could not face myself in the mirror.

I did not blame.

I was responsible for the conditions of my life.

My journey to myself began on rough terrain.

There was no physical withdrawal, but there was a mental struggle so big that at times I wanted to withdraw from life. Sometimes the voices in my head were loud speakers filling a small arena. The visuals in my mind were pictures of everything that had caused me pain. I did not want to revisit this time warp of suffering, but I had to. I had to replace the voices and the pictures with a safety net of understanding. I had to make sense of the past and learn how to deal with the present moments yet to come.

It was time to accept myself and begin my journey forward.

I am bi-polar two. I have suffered with depression, anxiety and panic my whole life. I have been lost and I have been found. I have given in, given up, and fallen down. I have seen things I don’t want you to see, participated in stuff I will never talk about. I have been there, done that, survived. And if I can survive you can too.