just now

There is no high higher than a smile that is genuine.

Once upon a time…

I waited anxiously; phone in hand, twenty dollars in the slot machine, glass of wine at my side. I had made the call twenty minutes ago and twenty-two minutes had passed. Why was it taking so long? Then finally a beep, “Hello,” I chocked.

“Here.” Was all she said, all she needed to say to get me to my feet.

The smile on my face wasn’t visible as I made my way outside. There was no smile, nothing real anyway, nothing I wished the world to see.

I made my way to the back door, spotted the black sedan and walked stiffly to the passenger side. Before handing over the money required to make the exchange, I searched for the lost soul that hid somewhere inside the girl who was making a living selling cocaine; I could not see it. I did see:

Her eyes: they looked dead, void of feeling, and excitement.

Her smile: It was empty, gone, hidden behind her reason for having chosen the path she was travelling.

Her nose: It was caked with white powder. It disgusted me. Would it stop me?

“What am I doing?” I asked myself.

But, I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel. I guess I needed one more line. One more round in the ring with the temporary high I had decided made living easier. We made the exchange and I walked quickly back inside, stopping in the bathroom before finding my wine and my slot machine. Somewhere there was a winner, could it be me tonight?

Yes, somewhere inside of me there was a winner. Yet I was losing. I had been hiding for so long and suddenly I didn’t want to hide anymore. The demons that dared me to sit behind the wall I had built around myself would not control any longer, I decided.

I left.

I found a piece of paper.

I bought a pen.

I made a list of all the reasons I could not face myself in the mirror.

I did not blame.

I was responsible for the conditions of my life.

My journey to myself began on rough terrain.

There was no physical withdrawal, but there was a mental struggle so big that at times I wanted to withdraw from life. Sometimes the voices in my head were loud speakers filling a small arena. The visuals in my mind were pictures of everything that had caused me pain. I did not want to revisit this time warp of suffering, but I had to. I had to replace the voices and the pictures with a safety net of understanding. I had to make sense of the past and learn how to deal with the present moments yet to come.

It was time to accept myself and begin my journey forward.

I am bi-polar two. I have suffered with depression, anxiety and panic my whole life. I have been lost and I have been found. I have given in, given up, and fallen down. I have seen things I don’t want you to see, participated in stuff I will never talk about. I have been there, done that, survived. And if I can survive you can too.

Angel please

Wanted:

An angel to sit on my shoulder.

Qualifications:

1.     Praise me daily.

2.     Be quick to point out what I do right and slow to mention my shortcomings.

3.     Love me in the morning when I may not look so put-together. Love me in the afternoon while I struggle to stay focused. Love me in the evening when I am feeling tired, mellow, and sometimes questioning myself and the day that passed. Love me in between and lead me back to the moment when my thoughts stray.

4.     If I am feeling afraid remind me that fear based thoughts create a fear based life.

Hi, my name is Paula Landygo. I want to be the angel who sits on your shoulder, and this is why;

1.     I believe in praise. I praise others daily knowing that by doing so I am bringing out the best in them. It would be an honor to do this for you.

2.     You don’t fall short to me. Yes, I have seen you take a step or two backward. But you always get up when you fall and I want to remind you of this daily. How can I be slow to mention your shortcomings when they don’t exist to me.  Mistakes are temporary hurdles, and they are allowed.

3.     I will love you all day through. Allow you to be yourself at all times. I love you as you are, nothing changed, as is.

4.     I will gently nudge you to be fearless. Together we will take steps daily off the path of fear. You will never have to walk alone. I will be there with you every step of the way and together we will find the fearless places your heart longs to seek out.

PS. I would be honored to sit on your shoulder every day. You may want to remove me at times. You may forget I am there. But I promise to never leave. I like the softness of your shoulder. The strong muscles keep me grounded. The love that flows through your veins holds me safe.

Please choose me;

My touch is gentle…

My words are kind…

My heart is humble…

And I love you!

A poem

My pen holds special ink

I bought it without thought

The purple ink was new

It promised me a lot

This new ink holds no feelings

It doesn’t have a past

Its just a pen on paper

Its words will never last

With this new ink I scribble

Whatever comes to mind

Leave out the words he whispered

About lasting love you find

As ink flows on the page

I think about the day

When I believed his words

He had so much to say

A story starts to form

My pen is on a roll

Its searching for more meaning

My pen hunts down my soul

This ink that had no feelings
is now desperate for a heart
My pen needs to believe
That words don't fall apart

I put my pen away
Refuse to let it write
I don't want pens that feel
I already lost that fight

I try to let it go
I throw it on the floor
It finds my hand again
Purple ink is at my door

With hope I throw a feeling
Directed at the man
Who promised me forever
Then from his words he ran

As I release the past
My pen begins to tell
A story where the words
Remain unbroken to the end

So colorful my story
So colorful this ride
Releasing all my feelings
Gave me back my pride

And now my special pen
Writes feelings every day
We both believe in words
So be careful what you say

Vulnerable

Vulnerable

Definition: Open to attack

Synonyms: Accessible, exposed, liable, sensitive, ready, susceptible, wide open, unguarded, unprotected

Antonyms: Guarded, protected, safe, secure, closed

Do you cry in public?

Do you laugh in public?

I do! Laughter is a beautiful thing. It ignites the mind, fuels the senses, and leaves us hungry for more.

A while back my daughter and I were at the local dollar store stocking up on “party favors” for her upcoming birthday. On a scale of one to ten I would say that my mood was at “five”. As my little girl spread out her “goods” on the conveyer belt for the cashier to ring through, I noticed that she was smiling, her mood breaking the scales at 10½ at least. Satisfied, I noticed a display of magnets near by and made my way to a pink one, it read:

A woman only needs four animals in her life

A jaguar in the garage

A mink on her back

A tiger in her bed

And a jackass to pay for it all.

I laughed, and laughed, and laughed, by golly I am still laughing. My daughter laughed without even knowing why she was laughing. I read the magnet to the cashier and she laughed. I called my husband and my friends and soon everyone was laughing. “Well hot damn” I thought, as my mood quickly escalated to eleven, “Laughter really is the best medicine.”

Later, I reflected on what I had read, but the words no longer felt “politically correct”. “Pita” would have a hay-day with the mink phrase. Providers everywhere would wonder if they are being considered jackasses? Women may conclude that it is being suggested that they cannot afford a Jaguar without a man’s money. Yet others might wonder if the lyrical magnet is saying that a “Jaguar, as a car” defines you. You see what I mean? Suddenly the laughter and the fun has turned to utter confusion. Nowhere on this magnet does it say that the jackass is a “man” yet I bet that most people will assume this and forget about the fun of it all.

I chose to tell you this story during a “vulnerability” emotion because I believe in the days when we would wear these saying on t-shirts, print them on fridge magnets, and advertise them on car stickers. I believe that we used to have more fun, back in the day when being “politically correct” wasn’t even an issue.

Today it seems that we are too serious, we are afraid of attack, scared of what others may think of us. “What will they say?” We wonder as we throw out the t-shirts, tear up the sticky stuff, and pack away the “unpolitically correct” knick knacks of years gone by. Personally, I don’t want to be “politically correct”. I want to have my own opinion. I like knowing that my opinion may be different from yours and it feels good knowing that it can change on a whim. Today, my vulnerable opinion is this:

The car was named after the jaguar for its precision and speed.

The mink probably replaced the security, softness, and warmth that the woman wearing it thought she was lacking.

The tiger, though ferocious and hungry, protects its mate.

The jackass is simply a stubborn sort of donkey who does not like doing what it is asked to do.

This is my vulnerable opinion, and like I said, it may change. After all words are just words. Maybe we need to read between the lines?

At the end of the day as I think, and think, and think, (yes sometimes I think too much) about this whole vulnerability emotion my thoughts take my heart to the people who entertain us, people like Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, the late Michael Jackson, and the list goes on. We sing with them, we dance with them, we praise them, we love them, we support them, and we envy them. Their guarded show of emotions keeps us happy. We expect them to be politically correct and vulnerable at the same time. Then one day some of theses entertainers are photographed “being human”. They stumble and fall. And then, we criticize them. We stop buying their music. Basically, while they are being vulnerable we want them to be ashamed of themselves. How does this make any sense? What if we listen the music no matter what? What if we allow ourselves to remember why we once liked Justin Bieber, Miley, Madonna, our next-door neighbor, our husband. Chances are that Justin Bieber, for example, still believes in “Never Say Never” even if he is jumping off cliffs and smoking “homemade” cigarettes. Vulnerability opens doors. If we are too guarded we will be living in the locked up garage with the jaguar. So just for today let your guard down, laugh, be a jackass. Cry in public.

Do you cry in public?

 I do! And the sad thing is that when someone sees me crying they turn the other way and pretend not to notice. They don’t know what to say. Their vulnerability is in the garage with the Jaguar, and the mink, and the tiger, and it is being held hostage by the jackass. 

The real question is this. How do you want to live your life? What emotions will carry you through today? Will you choose to let your guard down and let vulnerability lead the way? I hope so. I for one do

not want to find myself locked up in the garage with all of the wild, hungry animals that are in there. I want to laugh a lot, dance some, sing along. But mostly, I do not want to be afraid to cry in public. So if you see me crying, please do not turn the other way. Chances are I was laughing so hard I cried.  And you may be missing a great opportunity to laugh along with me.