Angel please

Wanted:

An angel to sit on my shoulder.

Qualifications:

1.     Praise me daily.

2.     Be quick to point out what I do right and slow to mention my shortcomings.

3.     Love me in the morning when I may not look so put-together. Love me in the afternoon while I struggle to stay focused. Love me in the evening when I am feeling tired, mellow, and sometimes questioning myself and the day that passed. Love me in between and lead me back to the moment when my thoughts stray.

4.     If I am feeling afraid remind me that fear based thoughts create a fear based life.

Hi, my name is Paula Landygo. I want to be the angel who sits on your shoulder, and this is why;

1.     I believe in praise. I praise others daily knowing that by doing so I am bringing out the best in them. It would be an honor to do this for you.

2.     You don’t fall short to me. Yes, I have seen you take a step or two backward. But you always get up when you fall and I want to remind you of this daily. How can I be slow to mention your shortcomings when they don’t exist to me.  Mistakes are temporary hurdles, and they are allowed.

3.     I will love you all day through. Allow you to be yourself at all times. I love you as you are, nothing changed, as is.

4.     I will gently nudge you to be fearless. Together we will take steps daily off the path of fear. You will never have to walk alone. I will be there with you every step of the way and together we will find the fearless places your heart longs to seek out.

PS. I would be honored to sit on your shoulder every day. You may want to remove me at times. You may forget I am there. But I promise to never leave. I like the softness of your shoulder. The strong muscles keep me grounded. The love that flows through your veins holds me safe.

Please choose me;

My touch is gentle…

My words are kind…

My heart is humble…

And I love you!

A poem

My pen holds special ink

I bought it without thought

The purple ink was new

It promised me a lot

This new ink holds no feelings

It doesn’t have a past

Its just a pen on paper

Its words will never last

With this new ink I scribble

Whatever comes to mind

Leave out the words he whispered

About lasting love you find

As ink flows on the page

I think about the day

When I believed his words

He had so much to say

A story starts to form

My pen is on a roll

Its searching for more meaning

My pen hunts down my soul

This ink that had no feelings
is now desperate for a heart
My pen needs to believe
That words don't fall apart

I put my pen away
Refuse to let it write
I don't want pens that feel
I already lost that fight

I try to let it go
I throw it on the floor
It finds my hand again
Purple ink is at my door

With hope I throw a feeling
Directed at the man
Who promised me forever
Then from his words he ran

As I release the past
My pen begins to tell
A story where the words
Remain unbroken to the end

So colorful my story
So colorful this ride
Releasing all my feelings
Gave me back my pride

And now my special pen
Writes feelings every day
We both believe in words
So be careful what you say

Vulnerable

Vulnerable

Definition: Open to attack

Synonyms: Accessible, exposed, liable, sensitive, ready, susceptible, wide open, unguarded, unprotected

Antonyms: Guarded, protected, safe, secure, closed

Do you cry in public?

Do you laugh in public?

I do! Laughter is a beautiful thing. It ignites the mind, fuels the senses, and leaves us hungry for more.

A while back my daughter and I were at the local dollar store stocking up on “party favors” for her upcoming birthday. On a scale of one to ten I would say that my mood was at “five”. As my little girl spread out her “goods” on the conveyer belt for the cashier to ring through, I noticed that she was smiling, her mood breaking the scales at 10½ at least. Satisfied, I noticed a display of magnets near by and made my way to a pink one, it read:

A woman only needs four animals in her life

A jaguar in the garage

A mink on her back

A tiger in her bed

And a jackass to pay for it all.

I laughed, and laughed, and laughed, by golly I am still laughing. My daughter laughed without even knowing why she was laughing. I read the magnet to the cashier and she laughed. I called my husband and my friends and soon everyone was laughing. “Well hot damn” I thought, as my mood quickly escalated to eleven, “Laughter really is the best medicine.”

Later, I reflected on what I had read, but the words no longer felt “politically correct”. “Pita” would have a hay-day with the mink phrase. Providers everywhere would wonder if they are being considered jackasses? Women may conclude that it is being suggested that they cannot afford a Jaguar without a man’s money. Yet others might wonder if the lyrical magnet is saying that a “Jaguar, as a car” defines you. You see what I mean? Suddenly the laughter and the fun has turned to utter confusion. Nowhere on this magnet does it say that the jackass is a “man” yet I bet that most people will assume this and forget about the fun of it all.

I chose to tell you this story during a “vulnerability” emotion because I believe in the days when we would wear these saying on t-shirts, print them on fridge magnets, and advertise them on car stickers. I believe that we used to have more fun, back in the day when being “politically correct” wasn’t even an issue.

Today it seems that we are too serious, we are afraid of attack, scared of what others may think of us. “What will they say?” We wonder as we throw out the t-shirts, tear up the sticky stuff, and pack away the “unpolitically correct” knick knacks of years gone by. Personally, I don’t want to be “politically correct”. I want to have my own opinion. I like knowing that my opinion may be different from yours and it feels good knowing that it can change on a whim. Today, my vulnerable opinion is this:

The car was named after the jaguar for its precision and speed.

The mink probably replaced the security, softness, and warmth that the woman wearing it thought she was lacking.

The tiger, though ferocious and hungry, protects its mate.

The jackass is simply a stubborn sort of donkey who does not like doing what it is asked to do.

This is my vulnerable opinion, and like I said, it may change. After all words are just words. Maybe we need to read between the lines?

At the end of the day as I think, and think, and think, (yes sometimes I think too much) about this whole vulnerability emotion my thoughts take my heart to the people who entertain us, people like Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, the late Michael Jackson, and the list goes on. We sing with them, we dance with them, we praise them, we love them, we support them, and we envy them. Their guarded show of emotions keeps us happy. We expect them to be politically correct and vulnerable at the same time. Then one day some of theses entertainers are photographed “being human”. They stumble and fall. And then, we criticize them. We stop buying their music. Basically, while they are being vulnerable we want them to be ashamed of themselves. How does this make any sense? What if we listen the music no matter what? What if we allow ourselves to remember why we once liked Justin Bieber, Miley, Madonna, our next-door neighbor, our husband. Chances are that Justin Bieber, for example, still believes in “Never Say Never” even if he is jumping off cliffs and smoking “homemade” cigarettes. Vulnerability opens doors. If we are too guarded we will be living in the locked up garage with the jaguar. So just for today let your guard down, laugh, be a jackass. Cry in public.

Do you cry in public?

 I do! And the sad thing is that when someone sees me crying they turn the other way and pretend not to notice. They don’t know what to say. Their vulnerability is in the garage with the Jaguar, and the mink, and the tiger, and it is being held hostage by the jackass. 

The real question is this. How do you want to live your life? What emotions will carry you through today? Will you choose to let your guard down and let vulnerability lead the way? I hope so. I for one do

not want to find myself locked up in the garage with all of the wild, hungry animals that are in there. I want to laugh a lot, dance some, sing along. But mostly, I do not want to be afraid to cry in public. So if you see me crying, please do not turn the other way. Chances are I was laughing so hard I cried.  And you may be missing a great opportunity to laugh along with me.

Courageous

Courageous

Definition: brave, bold

Synonyms: fearless, gallant, heroic, daring, assured, undaunted, strong, tenacious

Antonyms: cowardly, fearful, timid, shy, weak

 

Someone close to me committed suicide. That’s a nice way of putting it, I guess. The dumb-ass up and killed herself, boom, bang, jump. Now she is gone. Was it an act of courage? Was she feeling courageous? Or was it a moment of weakness? I have thought about this, of course I have. For months now I have cried, examined all that was left behind, accepted, denied again, loved, hated. I have longed for, what I don’t know, and I have felt around for a courageous way to approach life without this person. Everyone who knew and loved her is scared. But we all have something courageous in common, we all have life, we all dare to live it.

Courageous is a great emotion. Today I am feeling it. I have done all I set out to do, ok fine, except that, oh and that too, still it’s no excuse to feel weak, or timid, I still feel courage. Not doing something you set out to do is not failure. We are allowed to put things off. We are allowed to change our minds. The days I find are long enough to do all I want to do. I am not a believer in the phrase, “There aren’t enough hours in a day.” I believe that we have just the right amount of time. Some people try to do too much; they find courage in conquering big tasks during their 24 hours. Then there are those who simply live hour to hour, taking everything in stride, wanting only what comes, no regrets, no mistakes, feeling courageous for facing yet another day.

Somewhere along the way my friend decided that life was just 24 hours followed by another 24 hours, then another and another. She did not know what to do with so many hours. It became too intimidating for her to fill so much time with tasks and courageous effort. In a moment of weakness, she ended her time here. In the passing months I continue to ask myself, “Does it take courage to live, or courage to take your own life? Does it matter?

It matters a lot. Moments of weakness followed by acts of courage make up our days. What we need to remember are the acts of courage, the ones we commit and those that the people around us achieve. Then we need to let each other know that we believe, we believe in life, and we believe in them. Most of all we believe in ourselves. There is life after losing someone you love. We go on because we want to know what comes next and no matter how rocky the road may be we will continue to walk, stumble, fall, sometimes cutting ourselves deep, but we will get up. Another 24 hours may very well be all we need to go from weakness to courage. It is worth the wait. It is worth the effort. Life is worthy of you. So always choose to stay. It’s ok to feel weak, it’s ok to rest, but never forget the strength inside and let it emerge in courageous ways. Yes, in our hearts, we will forever carry our loved ones tears in these delicate glass vessels, knowing that they may explode at any time through our own eyes. But that’s ok, crying is allowed, crying is courageous. Finding the courage to tell someone, perhaps a stranger, why you are crying may be your first step from weakness towards courage. Whether you are thinking of leaving, or are the one left behind, think of one step and take it. Live to tell about every 24 hours no matter how bad they may be, or feel, or seem. The moment that changes everything may be just around the block, the corner, or right there. . .your next breath.

Does it take courage to die? Yes, if death is something you cannot avoid.

Does it take courage to take your own life? Yes, but you won’t live to tell about it.

Does it take courage to live? Yes. Those who live their 24 hours, accepting the things they cannot change, fighting back fair, speaking up rather than shutting up, getting up, instead of lying down . Now those are the people who live courageously 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. At times they may think of ending it all, but they wait it out; maybe they want to be remembered as a lifetime of courage, not a moment of weakness.

Rule One: There are no rules

Rule Two: There are no rules

Rule Three: There are no rules.

Really, what would we do in a world without rules? It looks a little empty. Yes, we are free to make some rules up, free to break a few more. We have choices, every day we have choices. We have the choice to set some healthy rules and live by them, or we can choose to set no rules, but that may mean facing another 24 hours without hope, then another, and another and honestly we are better than hopeless. We are meant to be hopeful. We are supposed to keep trying. What if those were the rules?

Look at this. .  .

Rule Four: For the next 24 hours show someone that they are worthy.

Rule Five: For the next 365 days, believe that you are worthy.

See what I mean, life is but a series of moments, during some we feel loss, during others we gain. You can make the rules up as you go if you like, but do keep on going. It is ok to feel, and be, vulnerable. In fact vulnerability creates courageous individuals. It takes guts to be here, to live these 24 hours a day, every day, 365 days a year, but I am doing it, and the truth is; I don’t want to miss a thing. I am glad that you are also doing it; I know it is not always easy, but that’s ok, we will find a way, even if it’s a new way, every 24 hours. We are not alone, I am here, and you are there, and all I can say is that I am so happy that you are feeling courageous with me.

Release

Release

Definition: To free from confinement, bondage, obligation, pain, let go. To free from anything that restrains; liberation from anything that restrains.

Synonyms: absolution, deliverance, discharge, freeing, freedom, liberty etc.

Antonyms: hold (most noteworthy)

Release the parts of you that hate, the parts of you that fear. Release the thoughts that hold you captive, the thoughts that keep you lonely. Release all thoughts that keep you from experiencing each moment, the thoughts that keep you trapped in living out the expectations of others and of society. Release the need to be like everyone else. Allow yourself to be who you are, even if that person is different from day to day, hey, it’s all part of growing. Learn to release the pieces of you that do not fit the puzzle, as you see it.

 Letting go is the first step toward getting what you most need.

Truth lies in the moment, as is. The truth, however, could change by morning, so release the need to always know the truth; we may never know it at all. Some believe that truth is the biggest lie? For today just be, just see!

I have written release as a feeling many times and have not posted until today for the simple reason that I had to first start to release a lot of old habits myself. I found the easiest way toward release was to keep it simple. I could use long, complicated sentences to try to explain to you how to incorporate release into your everyday life, but there isn’t a big enough word, or a small enough sentence that will ever do that. The choice to release what is unhealthy and not working for you, must come from you.

Would you prefer to read long complicated sentences filled with fancy words that hold absolutely no meaning for you, or would you rather hear someone speak in small words that have a BIG meaning, one you do understand?

Rule One: Let go of nonsense. Release the need to look good, “be” good instead.

Rule Two: Keep it simple.

Rule Three: The more you release the fuller you will feel. Practice the art of release every day.

                    

Lighthearted

Light-hearted

Definition: Buoyant, light, or lively in nature

Synonyms: Animated, cheerful, bouncy, graceful, happy, merry, non-chalant, whimsical

Antonyms: burdensome, heavy

Light hearted is the way I feel

When everything feels right

When it goes the way I planned

I smile day and night

Heavy hearted on the other hand

Is always lurking near

But It`s heavy hearted feelings

that help the light appear

So don`t try to bury sadness

It`s bound to come around

Behind the darkest feelings

good feelings can be found

I have been hard on myself, easy on myself, and I have played the sadness game many times. Lately I find myself feeling heavy hearted and lacking enthusiasm. I went to bed wondering about this emotion lighthearted and woke up with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Throughout the day my thoughts lingered on dictionaries and definitions, synonyms and antonyms. I thought about looking up lighthearted, but soon after, that thought was forgotten. Somehow I made it over the hump because here I am. Ain`t life grand?

My problem it seems is this; I have decided to take my yoga knowledge to a whole new level and have enrolled in a teacher certification program. No, this is not the problem. The problem is that in doing this I have decided that it is finally time to quit smoking. And guess what? This time I want to. The problem is this; I am giving up something that I have loved for a long time, an addiction, a friend, and a lover at times, a stimulant, my morning companion, and I am not happy about it. Not yet anyway. To achieve this quitting thing I am taking the latest “miracle pill” prescribed to me by my doctor. Is it working? Why yes, it is. It makes me so sick that the last thing I want to do is inhale those feel good fumes that come from my nicotine stick. I am experiencing feelings of loss. I walk around not knowing what I want, and wondering what is missing. The cigarette of course is what’s missing. So how does someone experiencing the heaviness of giving up something they used to love, find the light? By telling myself this; I love smoking, but it is not good for me, so therefore, I am a NON-SMOKER. These are the magic words. They are what helped me start my walk back to carrying a light heart. Today is day eight and I find that I can breathe easier, I feel clean air surging through my lungs, and I like it. I like it a lot.

The point of this story is this; we will not always be smiling and carrying light hearts. Sometimes our loads will be heavy and hard to bear. Sometimes we will have to give up things we love in order to feel better about ourselves and our circumstances. It is during the heavy days that we may have to give it over to time and allow the ticking of the clock to do its magic. This is called hope, and it is the hopeful who are lighthearted, and full of joy. They are truly whimsical, like children playing in the rain.

Through this experience I have discovered that I always held tightly to every cigarette I smoked. I am also known to hold tightly to emotions that are bad for me.  If letting go is one of the best things we can do to decrease our load size, then why do we not let go more often, be quicker about it, you know. I believe it’s because we are afraid to let go of the emotions that we are so used to feeling. We are afraid of what it will be like to live without them, even if it is good for you. Yet to reach the light we must travel light.  Lighthearted is something you feel in your chest and in your mind, it is hardly there, it does not weigh you down, or feel wrong, it just is, it is light and it brings so much, much more life, and smiles, it rests, it sings, it runs, it plays. Next time you feel heavy; throw a thought or two away. I guarantee you can live without them. Then go and watch a child play; their light hearts are contagious. I also guarantee that you will smile at what a child has to say.

Rule One: To drop a heavy load, drop a thought or two, take a chance or three, take a break, you see?

Rule Two: Light hearted people let their feelings come and go. They never hold on too tightly.

Rule Three: Let it be, good or bad, let it slide, the reward is a light heart.

Rule Four: Sometimes I believe that we can learn more from children than they can from us. “Hear” a child today.

Special thanks to the people who have shown me that they are proud of my attempt at quitting smoking. Thanks, for the words; “I am a NON-SMOKER” they are getting me over the hump. People and things will be as we choose to “see” them. I choose to be a non-smoker today. I also choose not to carry such a heavy load….. I threw away my cigarettes. J

Worthwhile/Worthy

The emotion my daughter picked from the bunch was “worthwhile”. I have decided to use both worthwhile and worthy in my blog as worthy is something I can better identify with.

Worthwhile

Definition: Helpful

Synonyms: beneficial, gainful, good, invaluable, productive, useful

Antonyms: unhelpful, valueless, worthless

Worthy

Definition: honorable, respectable

Synonyms: dependable, admirable, best, pleasing, noble, valuable, worthwhile

Antonyms: Unworthy, dishonorable, disreputable, un-respected.

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was someone who believed in dreams and dreaming, love and loving, everlasting bliss. On wings of hope she flew through life believing in the impossible, feeling as if anything were possible. She was young, hopeful, felt worthy of love, bliss, and dreams. She sailed through each day knowing that every wish would eventually come true, and if it didn’t, that was ok too; because life itself was the best wish she had been granted. She was alive with joy, emotions, and gratitude. Life was good. The days were bright, the nights filled with color, as she put pen to paper, purple ink coloring page after page with words meant to touch the hearts of some, the souls of others, the lives of many.

And then there came a day, not so long ago, when alone within her sorrow, her wounds, her tears, she gazed at the black ink on her page and discovered that every word was now about pain and suffering, each sentence filled with rage. She walked into the cage, sat still in the corner and cried. It was her choice to be there. Her time to find the emotion “worthy” once again.

It took more than one loss, one heart break, one thing going wrong, before she began writing in black, and it would take more than one good day before the colors of happiness would return to her. Worthwhile was a word from the past, she no longer knew its meaning, but she was determined to find it once again. It had taken years to fully experience this emotion that helped her feel noble, admired, and honored, that sometimes during her battle she wondered if would ever experience it again. Patient, she rose when she fell, stayed in the cage when she was too tired to get up, slept when her eyes were too heavy to open. After so many years with feelings of unworthiness taking control of her mind, her heart, and her pen, she felt like giving up, and it was then, that her eyes fell upon a set of words that would begin to bring back shades of purple, pink, and sky blue. These words were simply; it is up to you to make the best of what you are given. She made her choice.

One day, not so long ago, she returned purple ink to page, and it was on yellow lined paper that she began to scribble about hope, believing, happiness, and possibilities. Every word she wrote is worthwhile, every sentence believable, every moment of the past, be it the good or the bad, has been accepted as her life and it is all “OK”. All of the mistakes, the hurt, the doors left open, the ones closed, the roads less travelled, and those travelled by few, have all been accepted as a worthwhile experience. It is her life, nothing changed, as is, that helped her find the worthy person she is today. She accepted the parts of her past that had rocked her, the ones that shocked her, and those that knocked her on her ass. Every day is a new opportunity to try again, live again, and sometimes fail again, and that is OK too. She made herself a small list of rules and she tries, every day, to live by them. If ever she finds herself in the cage, feeling sad, or rage, or unworthy, she looks at her list, and soon she remembers that it is all just part of today, a day, not so long ago.

Rule one: To heal wounds, old and new, consider yourself worthy of healing. What you feel you are worthy of will eventually make its way to you.

Rule Two: Make the best of what you are given. It only hurts as long as you allow it to hurt.

Rule Three: Be a believer of worthiness, believe that nothing is impossible.

Rule Four: “I am worthy” are the most powerful words you can say to yourself, remember to say them today.